In his final blog on the effects of the pandemic, Marc Chauchard takes a looks back at events of today from a 2050 viewpoint, with a twist of humour
The “e Pandemic”, or “EP”, as people call it today, took place 30 years ago, with more than 100 million deaths; a vaccine was finally discovered at the end of the year 2021.
“EP”, should not be confused with “IP”, FICPI friends will agree.
A “New World” emerged suddenly; everyone had to change many aspects of their family life and professional behaviour.
I’m now 96 years old, still happy and enjoying my remaining days-weeks-months-years-decades… looking backwards, I remember the changes no one had expected or anticipated.
At home, in the family, at work, in offices, factories, during vacations, weddings, social meetings, conferences, while travelling, everything – I repeat “everything” — changed drastically.
Simple minded people, simple spirited politicians, utopian bureaucrats and many dreamers predicted that, after a while, everything would return to “as before”. They were unbelievably mistaken and battling circumstances out of their control.
Almost all presidents were far off the mark, but this is not a great surprise, they always did this with dogged perseverance.
Fortunately, I was on hand to guide people on the right path. I seized power; nobody expected that!
I decided to change people’s lives, and to dictate what is good and bad for everyone.
Once again, listen to my Teachings!
I was awarded in parallel, and at the same time, five Nobel Prizes: Peace, Literature, Chemistry, Medicine and Crystal Ball Viewing, all in the year 2020, at the FICPI Cannes Internet Forum.
Indeed, most of my wise (extremely wise) recommendations—as outlined in what came to be recognised as “the most famous Blogs of human history”—entered into force in all professional activities (not only in the Intellectual Property field) and in everyone’s daily lives.
Important leapfrogging changes were also implemented by law at home, for daily domestic usage.
But the “essential” decision was obliging you to listen to my Great Teachings, known as the 10 Commandments of “His Great Holiness Marcus Coronavirus Chaucharus”, which I share with you, of course requesting that you pay a small monthly subscription to my internet bank account.
Please note that the 9th commandment is what saved humankind from complete disaster (see below), don’t laugh too much, it could be one of THE solutions.
Drawing by Philippe Raynal.
The wide angle camera looking at you – look just behind your left shoulder – will check whether you are laughing, and if so, a fine will automatically be applied to your virtual bank account
All pupils at school, all students at universities, all workers in factories or offices, EVERYONE MUST learn these 10 Mandates and recite them at each meal, including during weekends, vacations and wedding ceremonies.
1st Commandment: Mail-Distancing Rule “MDR”
Mail-Distancing Rule “MDR”: just to avoid work crimes and disputes, an App has been forcibly installed on ALL computers, tablets and mobile phones, forbidding anyone from replying without a ONE DAY delay. “ONE DAY” means at least 24 hours, each hour comprising 60 minutes of 60 seconds, each second being the billionth pulsation (in French “milliardième” = 1 out of 1,000,000) of an active Covid-19 virus’ little heart (*)
(*) By May 2050, everyone knows that the Covid-19 virus is a gentle animal with 27 legs, 9 eyes, 3 hearts, 1 crown – whose Spanish name, as my friend Elia would say, is “corona”.
This mail-distancing measure avoided many disputes and frictions by giving people time to reflect before replying too abruptly to emails and requests.
It has been widely adopted by many organisations, the first one being FICPI, which, as you know, is well ahead all other IP bodies especially, but not only, in times of crisis.
Workaholics who reply sooner than mandated by the “MDR” will be banned from Twitter for one year, each year comprising 365 days, one day meaning, etc…
2nd Commandment: 50% is the NEW PERCENTAGE, for all issues
At least 50% of teleworking, home-working, remote-working will be the basis for all employment contracts, even in factories; this measure is also applicable to unemployment, which must be done remotely.
Any organisation failing to follow this Rule will be dissolved and all its assets distributed to The “Treasurer General”. Note: this is me, I have acted as Treasurer General for the “Federation Internationale of Crime, Pandemic and Inferno” – known as “FICPI” – for 56 years.
3rd Commandment: 60 minutes is the NEW TIME LIMIT
Meetings are limited to 60 minutes, with 12 minute coffee breaks between successive meetings. Coffee can be replaced with gin, beer, French wine (only French).
For each overlap, duly reported by FICPI monitoring cookie software implemented on all your computers, the sentence will be to appear on stage during the next Executive Committee Gala dinner with our FICPI Secretary General, who invents lots of physical punishments, always with great imagination – I can attest to them, having been virtually beaten and killed several times, always (also) with great pleasure, I’m a proud masochist.
Second 3rd Commandment: The 3rd Commandment is applicable to private life…
No need to describe in too many details this delicate measure which caused lots of concern in “Latin Lovers Countries”, such as China, Japan and the United States.
I must confess that it was hard – it’s a weak but accurate term – to implement, but also enjoyable, as we had to use all of the “interesting” surveillance software Apps listed in my 7th Commandment.
Humankind having to face the issue of a global limitation of population growth, such a measure was a great success, as detailed in the 9th Commandment.
Infringers, i.e. people spending more time than allowed in private situations, were sentenced to a permanent abolition of – not what you expect, bad guys! – their mouse and keyboard.
4th Commandment: “3”is the NEW GOLD NUMBER
Meeting agendas are limited to 3 items.
There is no need to develop this order, since you have all suffered from lengthy meetings and agendas, when you would have been much happier sitting in your garden or near your swimming pool rather than listening to innumerable subjects.
The people who did not accept this magnificent bill were “BILed” – Banished from Internet for Life – the worst sentence ever.
5th Commandment: “3 – 6 – 9 -12” is the NEW WINNING QUARTET
Speeches were shortened to 3 minutes for Staff (employees), 6 minutes for Executives, 9 minutes for CEOs (including FICPI Officers and Bureau Members – of course).
A special 12 minute duration has been granted to His Greatness the excessively talkative “Julius Emanuellus Macronus”, still in charge in France after several successive re-elections: His Majesty the President changed the law in order to be elected for life, what else could he do?
Failing to adopt and use the “3 – 6 – 9 – 12” Imperial Decree will result in a punishment of ingesting a chemical potion of hydroxychloroquine, to be absorbed 3 times a day; as a result, the convicts will benefit from a much higher Covid-19 exposure and will probably survive much longer than other citizens (those who erroneously accept my Commandments, just between us!).
6th Commandment: web surfing is restricted to 30 minutes.
Maintain an organised agenda: surfing for hours on the internet is forbidden, checking messages, tweets and the news every minute is NOT allowed.
These internet Googling activities will ONLY be authorised for 60 minutes a day, no more.
To assist people, new 3-letter International Air Transportation Association (IATA) codes were announced, since it was forbidden to use airplanes more than 3 times a year (meetings of more than 100 people were no longer allowed, vacations were limited to 100 miles away from home, and airline companies vanished).
I established new IATA codes for the brave people confined at home, helping them to find their place in the “new normal” times:
- FAB: Fabulous Action Bedroom (maximum duration 6 hours/day).
- CET: Closet Executive Toilet (use restricted to 3 times/day).
- BUR : Billing Urgent Room, where essential decisions are considered (maximum once per week in crisis times).
- TEC : Training for Excuses & Crimes (see 3rd Commandment).
- PEC: Patent ExCo Cabinet (for listening to innovative clients once a month).
- STA: Service and Trade Marks Activity (once a week per client).
- POR: Private Only Room (access only permitted 60 minutes weekly – see Second part of the 3rdCommandment); this private room really exists, it has been evidenced further to 7th Commandment – see below (ALL pictures are stored in the X-cloud, available at a nominal fee).
- NOM: Nominating Outstanding Members (once every 3 years, people receiving awards get a nice blue, silver or gold pin).
This was engraved in the countries’ constitutions, at least in non-democratic countries, which are known as the best at fighting the pandemic!
At least, this is what they pretend, and you never know, a good dictatorship may sometimes be more efficient at hiding secrets: they can add lies to untruths and in such a case provide the best statistics in comparison with those of more democratised countries.
Web-surfing dependent people will get the same sentence as those infringing the 5th Commandment.
7th Commandment: watching is the rule is THE BRAVE NEW WORLD
Thanks to my friend Louis NAUGES (see footnotes and sources), I experimented and broadly used some excellent surveillance Apps to monitor people’s activity.
- INTERGUARD which take your screen’s picture every 5 minutes, allowing ME to film the entire activity of every staff member
- The PRAGLI solution which is able to check your keyboard activity, and warn ME when you cease to type for 15 seconds; you don’t have to think, just go on typing
- The POP-UP TIME DOCTOR alerts ME when you surf on a website which is not considered (by ME) as appropriate for your professional duties.
What “great tools”, allowing ME to watch what you are doing, alerting you when I decide you are not acting properly in the general interest, which in this case is MY personal interest.
Of course, needless to say that these Applications have to be installed on every computer, tablet, television set and mobile, and that the organisations which succeed in this field will be awarded with a chocolate medal.
On the other hand, those firms and countries neglecting or using these tools too loosely will be listed on a WEB BLACK LIST, daily updated.
Thank you again Louis for this information about these terrible solutions, and of course, those who believe I’m serious should immediately (without any delay) consult a good physician.
8th Commandment: I have forgotten it… if my failing memory starts working better, I’ll complete this blog.
In any case, YOU should not forget my next birthday (on Feb 27, 2021), I accept, welcome and order all kind of donations, preferably in virtual cash or e-money.
Those who forget will be punished and obliged to serve as a FICPI Bureau Member for 1 Term (I admit 2 terms would be too hard a punishment).
Now I remember! You all WORK in 3 WATCHES, which I shall not comment on since I already addressed this brilliant idea when I was sentenced to serve in a submarine in the Marines (see blog #5, and preferably read all my previous obviously outstanding blogs).
Drawing by Philippe Raynal, May 15, 2050.
A superb image, don’t you agree… I’m considering a NEW IP activity: International Preacher”.
9th Commandment: CITIES are banned
During the East Pandemic, research evidenced (see “sources” INSEE March 2nd – April 19th 2020) that high population density increased the number of deaths.
While the average number of increased deaths (due to Covid-19) was “only” 1% in villages, it increased to 1.5% in large cities (which is 50% MORE), even if it was established that more senior citizens, typically more prone to more severe Covid-19 infections, were residing in small villages.
It was then obvious that a higher concentration of people had a direct impact on the propagation of the pandemic: 50% more deaths in cities.
I had to solve this problem, and I did it as we do in Patent Claims: step by step.
Alphonse ALLAIS’s famous sentence “Il faudrait construire les villes à la campagne, l’air y est plus sain” which translates into “Cities should be built in the countryside, the air is healthier”, can be found in “Les Pensées d’un emballeur de Commerson”, published in 1860.
In this premonitory joke, Mr Allais was right, this was written 190 years ago!
Indeed, most of the difficulties, crimes, recent pandemics, open markets offering live animals, etc. happen in cities, which are the obvious reasons for most sufferings of the modern humankind.
Only around 1% of the earth’s surface was inhabited in 2020, out of the 134,000,000 km2 of habitable land.
Most inhabitants were piled up in monster cities, some of them crowded into cities of 25+ billion people, concentrating all imaginable diseases.
In a super webinar which took place on May 22, 2020, I declared “all cities should be banned, destroyed, erased”.
From 2020 until now: 2050, I developed a huge plan of works – which had a very positive impact on the world’s economic activity and saved 500 million positions in the industry – I’m a true hero, as would tweet many crazy politicians ruling countries in 2020.
I erased ALL cities having more than 100 people per square kilometre one by one.
People on Earth are now occupying 99% of the habitable territories.
Of the 134,000,000 km2 of habitable land, with an admissible density of 100 inhabitants/km2, about 13.4 billion men and women can decently enjoy their lives, totally devoted to serving me better.
In the future, the Earth’s population will be strictly limited to 13.4 billion human beings, all of them living in a low density area.
I’m happy I succeeded in making everyone happy, please pay respect, and preferably look at the financial suggestion in the next Commandment – after all, I’m the Treasurer General of this Federation, and money is my only concern, all FICPI Members can testify!
As in well-known dictatorships, infringers will be gulaged (= sent to gulag), to Siberia, North Korea and Antarctica, where their reproductive organs will freeze, which after all is one of the best ever contraceptive methods.
If you don’t want to read this last Order, you can skip it, BUT it is compulsory to read the Nota Bene.
Every FICPI member must commission from my buddy Philippe RAYNAL, author of the superb drawings illustrating this blog, a personal caricature drawing which will be sent by mail and confirmed by regular registered letter – a special fee of EUR 85 will be required per drawing, but it’s a masterpiece.
You just have to send one of your pictures, not head-on but in profile, he will send you some initial designs, you will select the one you prefer; you can send the picture recently requested by Julian for FICPI matters, representing you at your workspace, and we’ll have a drawing exhibition during the London Congress next year.
My commission on all caricatures is “only” 10%, don’t pretend I’m venal, corrupt, cowardly and imperious; I admit and recognise ALL these views, opinions and characteristics!
You must NOW add to your contacts the following email: email@example.com
Philippe’s WhatsApp #: + 33 6 19 62 65 79
You just have to pay up, otherwise you’ll be condemned to wandering endlessly in the Non-Web-Country (“NWC”), country #101 of the former United Nations.
- Thank you all for your patience reading my blogs, you’ll admit not everything is irrelevant, and if you don’t admit it, please consult your humourist practitioner.
- And for those who are a little slow to understand, I attach my account IBAN number for your immediate settlement:
FR20 FICPI 2020 MAY15 PAYNOW 2050 MARC BOND 0007.
- Find our Coronavirus help, support and guidance on the FICPI website
- View the comprehensive FICPI spreadsheet showing the latest coronavirus updates from Offices around the world, compiled by FICPI members and updated on a regular basis
- Sign up for our upcoming webinars:
- Wednesday 27 May: Business development using LinkedIn
- Wednesday 3 June: LEAN management to services
- Wednesday 10 June: How will business change?
How FICPI makes IP attorneys more effective
FICPI offers the ideal environment to build strong connections and relationships with peers around the world, bonding with other independent IP attorneys over a strong shared interest, proving invaluable at times such as this.
Whilst in-person events are not currently possible, FICPI continues to bring members insights and experiences from the community through webinars, blogs and newsletter articles.
All my thanks to my wife Laurence, for her permanent support; she incited me to forge the “not-so-serious path” for these stories.
Special thanks to my buddy Philippe Raynal, of course, his drawings are always inspiring.
Many thanks to Ms Catherine Dhanjal, who edited several of my sermons with lots of patience, she deserves a special award from FICPI.
All my gratitude to my niece Lisa Oberst, who edited this 6th blog from her home office in Miami Beach and rendered it readable for US Colleagues.
My apologies for my crazy imagination, I can’t stop my “poor brain” producing deviant thoughts, it’s probably caused by too long in voluntary service to FICPI.
Thanks to my family involvement in the IP field, my blood has been replaced by the blue FICPI virus since my father Robert was appointed in 1958 – I was 4 years old – one of the 3 first examiners at the IIB (“Institut International des Brevets”), which eventually became the search division of the EPO (“European Patent Office”).
www.Futuribles.com : les quatre chemins possible pour les dix-huit prochains mois.
Le Figaro : le masque français « butterfly » qui veut changer la donne.
Le Figaro : Anne LECLAIR, du 2 mars au 19 avril, la densité a accentué la mortalité.
Paroles d’Agences « Mpanel » semaine deux, 626 répondants.
Réapprendre à vivre loin du monde, « WALDEN », HENRY DAVID THOREAU, édition GALLMEISTER.
« La montagne magique », THOMAS MANN.
« Voyage au bout de ma chambre », 1795, Xavier DE MAISTRE, FLAMMARION.
INSTAGRAM des Chefs cuisiniers Cyril LIGNAC, Eric FRECHON, Guy MARTIN, Emmanuel RENAUT, Jamie OLIVER, Kitchen Quarantine.
Bill GATES, 2015, the man who predicted the pandemic.
Le Figaro, chronique Renaud GIRARD, avril 2020, “hélas, la Chine ne paiera pas”.
“The latest from Louis NAUGES”, an always-accurate point of view about numeric changes https://nauges.typepad.com/my_weblog/, where you can read (May 13th 2020 edition) the four 50% rules, I quote (this quotation should remain untranslated): « 50 % des collaborateurs en travail à distance à tout moment, Réduction de 50 % des déplacements longue distance, Basculement de 50 % des actions de formation en ‘distanciel’, Réduction de 50 % de la surface des bureaux utilisés ».
FICPI webinars #1, #2, #3, #4 (I was late and forgot to excuse myself), thanks to lecturers and moderators; if you read these lines, please register for the upcoming FICPI webinars.
Thanks to the FICPI Crisis Team members, who motivated me to spend a few hours preparing & writing these blogs.
And in conclusion, I think that the independent IP profession – being independent of clients, bureaucratic offices, IP offices, service providers of all kind – is (probably) the best profession ever. I mean it.
Just a note for young readers: if you have any doubt, don’t hesitate to contact me directly, I’ll convince you to join the FICPI Family in less than 9 minutes; be ready with your credit card.